8/31/2013
I had a very interesting experience today. Several months ago I held a contest on my photography blog for a couple free photo sessions. One of my winners emailed me and asked if we could wait and do her session after her baby was born. It took us some time and a few re-schedules to get together, but today I finally got to meet her and her sweet baby boy. Last night, as we were planning her session, I learned that this baby boy had a twin brother that died near the end of the second Trimester. This beautiful mother asked me very timidly if we could incorporate something into the session that represented the tiny sweet baby that is watching over their family from heaven. As we got started with the pictures today we talked about this sweet baby boy and I opened up to her a little bit about our experience with infertility. I have such compassion for her and as hard and difficult it has been for me to accept that I will probably never carry a child in my body, I could never imagine the grief that someone would go through in carrying a child, bonding with a child and loving a child only to lose that child so early in life.
The thing that is interesting to me is (and this may make me sound very insensitive - so please read to the end and don't judge me too harshly) that earlier on in this experience that Nate & I have had, my feelings towards this mother would have been completely different. Yes, I would have felt badly for her and I would have shared in mourning her loss, but I would have been envious of the baby that she did have and my compassion would not have been as strong as it is now.
As I was talking to her today, I told her how sorry I was and that I can't imagine the things that she has felt and experienced, and I meant every word of it. She mentioned that she is trying so hard to 'get over it' and I told her that I didn't think she has to 'get over it.' I told her that it would be a part of her for the rest of her life and that she shouldn't EVER be expected to 'get over it.' My compassion for this beautiful mom surprised me and it made me realize how far I have come in coping and accepting our own situation. We did incorporate a few little things into the session and there were several times that she wiped tears from her eyes, and every time she did, my heart ached for her.
As hard as it is to be in the situation that we are in, I am so grateful that God has helped me to accept the situation and to learn and grow and become a better person for it. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am grateful that I am 'okay' enough with our situation that I can realize the needs of others and that my compassion is real and sincere.
My Choice Today - Mother's Day
5/12/2013
... ... ... Perhaps it is because Nate is at work ALL day today, perhaps it is because I am home alone with no plans to visit our mom's, perhaps it's just the day, perhaps it's because when I went to Dutch Brothers to get a Chai the wished me a Happy Mother's Day ... perhaps it is all of those reasons rolled into so many other emotions that I'm feeling some sadness today.
For the past several years, I've been able to get through Mother's Day with joy and happiness - but it's harder this year, living away from home with only myself for company ... well, and Rascal, but she's sleeping in the sun on the foot stool right now, so she's that helpful ;) ... my thoughts turn to places where they haven't been for a long time, and I don't like it - so I made a choice.
I knew that until I 'talked' about it, I would dwell on it, and that is why I am posting this today. I need to clear my head so that I can get on with my day. I think that today I will make a skirt - something cute and comfy that I can wear on some upcoming photo shoots and perhaps to my new job!
Before I do that though, I will tell you that not being a mother sucks. There. I said it. I have a friend who posted on Facebook yesterday that she was going to stay off Facebook today because it is a hard day for her - I know exactly how she feels. It's not the wishes for a Happy Mother's Day to other people that bother me and break my heart - mother's are SO special and they deserve all of the love and recognition that they get - it is the pictures that come of the adorable drawings, the special hugs, the songs, the sweet dandelion bouquets picked freshly from the back yard - those are the things that make my eyes prickle and tug at my heart.
I do love my life right now - we live in a nice place that we love (for the most part - I did find a dead snake on my patio yesterday and it scared the cuss words out of me), we are starting to make friends and get to know people, I am starting a new job in a week that I am SO excited about, and we both know that we have SO much to be grateful for. Life in Grants Pass has been good to us.
Choices. It's funny how such a simple concept can make or break a day. I made my choice to write how I am feeling, and while some sadness lingers my heart feels lighter. My choice to not dwell on the situation today has been made. I'm looking forward to Skyping with our moms at some point throughout the day, I'm looking forward to a nice new skirt, and I also think I'll make some coconut lime sugar scrub ... yes, I'll keep myself busy, I'll turn up the music, and I'll have a wonderful day today!
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Just Thinking Out Loud ...
April 13, 2013
We had the discussion SEVERAL times since we have moved here ... the 'what should we do about babies' discussion. We hem and haw over the different options that we have, but we can't seem to come to a firm decision. Part of our indecisiveness is money - seriously - I wish someone would have warned me time and time again how much student loans suck to pay back - and the other part of our indecisiveness is just that - indecisiveness ... We are still just kind of stuck in this 'will we, won't we,' 'when it happens it happens,' 'what if it doesn't happen - how will we feel' kind of phase.
Some days I catch myself looking at nothing, then I realize that I've been thinking about babies. I'm kind of at a point in my life where I'm just numb about it. Thinking about it doesn't make me sad any more, but it also doesn't get me excited. It's just something that's there.
I've got a giant tote upstairs in our storage room that is full of baby stuff. Favorite outfits that my nephews and nieces wore that I would have loved to have seen on my child, different pieces that Nate & I have picked up as we have traveled to different countries, books, toys, baby blankets ... One tote is nothing compared to the four totes I used to have ... I keep thinking that I should just get rid of it - you know, the whole 'when you get rid of it, that is when it will happen' kind of thing - but I've tried that with SO MANY other different things and they haven't worked, so I'm thinking that superstition just doesn't apply to our situation.
It's funny here. As we meet new people, we go through the conversation again and again. Before we moved, everyone already knew us and we didn't have to go through the conversation often - but here, it has changed. Instead of elaborating, we simply answer 'no, we don't have kids.' We get funny looks, but it's made it a little easier and we haven't met anyone yet who we feel like elaborating to. It's a sensitive situation and it's uncomfortable for both parties to get the honest and truthful answer ...
Anyway, there's not really a point to this post - just like the title said, I was just thinking out loud - clearing some space in my brain to worry about other things.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Our Story
June 2012
For the longest time, I had no desire to share anything about our infertility problems with the world wide web. The things that we have experienced through this trial are personal, sacred, and emotional.
When I posted my Essay in 2009 (see below) I felt completely liberated. It was so nice to be able to share my feelings and the feedback that I got from my family and friends was amazing. I felt so much love and support after I made my decision to post it, and for that I am extremely grateful. I was able to get by with that high for a while, then our inability to conceive got in the way of me being happy again.
Every once in a while, when I'm having a rough day, I'll jump on line and research infertility, and in that research, I'll find blogs with personal stories for other couples in our boat. I find comfort and validation in my feelings in reading others' experiences - it is nice to know that we are not alone in this. Knowing that we're not alone out there gives me strength, and lately I have felt that someone needed to hear our story. It may be a prompting or just an inner need to let it out, but apparently, it's time!!
Most of you know that Nate & I have been together since our Sophomore year in High School. We were both raised in traditional homes that were centered around our families and our religion. As we grew closer, we fell in love and began to speculate on our future together - which included marriage and children (we literally had our children named BEFORE we were married).
About two years into our marriage, we decided it was time for me to go off birth control and to try to get pregnant! We were so excited, so full of hope, and so naive. I remember giving my mother in law a card for her birthday - and in the card we wrote that hopefully by that same time the next year there would be a baby in the family! A few months went by and nothing happened, and while we were disappointed, we didn't think anything of it! We were young, had lots of energy, and didn't mind the trying ;)
I don't quite remember when it was that we realized that there was something wrong with one of us, but I do remember that when the realization hit us, it felt like a ton of bricks. We were both tested, and were told that there was no findable reason why we couldn't get pregnant, and to just keep trying! While this was encouraging, it was also frustrating. We decided to take a 'break' from trying (although to this day we have not used any type of preventative strategy since 2002) and told ourselves that it would happen when we weren't trying so hard. I started classes at the local University to pass time and told myself that I'd drop out when I got pregnant!
In 2006, we went to a fertility specialist and at that point, we found out that I had Stage 1 Endometriosis (which explained my painful periods from hell - Stage 1 is the easiest to 'fix' but the most painful to deal with). In 2006 I had a Laparoscopic Procedure done to 'clean me out,' and at that time, we were told that other than that small issue (which supposedly had been dealt with), we should be able to conceive.
After I recovered from that procedure we tried again ... and again ... and again ... and to no avail, nothing happened!! We discussed our options and met with a specialist a few more times, but due to some financial instability, we decided against pursuing infertility treatments and crossed our fingers that we'd just 'get lucky.'
Through this time (as discussed in my essay below - so I won't go into much detail), my emotions were a wreck. I was angry, I was bitter, I was emotional, and it was hard for me to go into public and see all of the pregnant women and the new mothers (because I live in Utah, and let's face it - there's a lot of them). I remember going to a church function in 2005 where not one, but four (yes, FOUR) people announced they were pregnant - and two of them with twins. This was right in the middle of my angry and bitter time, and I honestly don't know how I made it home in one piece.
I feel as though we have come a very long way in our reactions and our feelings towards this experience. One positive thing that has come through this experience is that our love has been tried and tested, and we have come out more in love than ever. For some reason, I was blessed enough to have met my soul mate in High School. I never knew how much of a blessing that was at the time, but looking back over our 16 (yowza) years together, we have learned how to communicate and how to support one another, and I am so grateful for my Nate!
Another positive outcome is that I have now graduated from Utah State University! We are in the process of getting transferred for Nate's job, and then I'll find a job working in a career that I believe in and that I love. If I would have gotten pregnant right off the bat, I don't think I ever would have gone back to school - and now that I've finished, I can't imagine my life without that experience.
At this point in our relationship and in our lives, we have discussed the different options that are available to us. Some days, we are comfortable saying that we are done trying and that we'll just be the world's BEST Uncle and Aunt, but then, we see a brand new baby being snuggled, or a toddler in a grocery store, and we know that we are truly not ready to be done. We have worked hard at our relationship and at the life that we have built together, and although we have no idea what the outcome of this experience will be, we are confident that wherever we end up, we'll get there together. There will ALWAYS be days that are hard and days that are sad, but we've learned that as long as we have each other, we can make it to tomorrow.
I know that I've left a lot of holes, and I'll work on filling them in as my emotions allow. I would regret if I didn't say thank you to our families and friends who have been and will continue to be supportive of the decisions that we have made and who are there for us when we need to talk, or vent, or cry, or laugh. This experience is certainly not one that we would wish on anyone. We feel blessed to have come out of this experience stronger, but we know that it is not so for everyone. It certainly has not been easy, and I've learned to control my emotions for the sake of surviving. If you are in our boat, just remember that the person you are trying to have a child with is the person that you love - and even though there are days that absolutely suck, the most important thing is that you are there for one another. My advice to you is to not give up - don't give up on your dream of having a child, don't give up on your dream of finding happiness despite this trial, and don't give up on each other. This experience will test you, but it will also bind you in ways that you may never imagine.
Love,
Clarissa
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Father's Day
June 2012
Sometimes I am amazed (although not surprised) at how much I love my husband. We spent a lot of time with our nephews last week, and watching Nate interact with them is something that I could watch every day, all day long. He is so funny and loving, and he is so adored by ALL of our nephews and nieces. I am so blessed to have him as my husband and my best friend. We don't know what our future holds, but I do know this: If Nate is ever a father, he is going to be the BEST father that has ever existed! His ability to love our nephews and nieces might just surpass mine (which is hard to do, because they are my favorite people in the world). I am so grateful for him and I just love him so much!
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Thoughts on Mothers Day:
May 2011
Mother's Day is always a difficult day for me! For several years I tended to dwell on the fact that I was not a mother and that even though people meant well and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, it broke my heart a little more because my childless status was being thought of. Over the last few years, I have tried really hard to focus less on the fact that I don't have children and more on the fact that I am so blessed to know so many amazing mothers! My mom, my mother in law, my sisters and sisters in law, my best friends, our aunts and grandmothers ... I have learned SO much from them about mothering and raising children and keeping their identities through the stress of raising children, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to learn about being a mother through them - and for the fact that they have beautiful children that they let me love! Mother's Day will never be an easy day for me, but I am so grateful for the mothers in my life that have influenced me and the way that, someday, I might be able to raise children of my own!
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Three Minutes - Essay on Infertility
Fall 2010
In 2010, I posted a paper that I wrote about my experience with Infertility. I wanted to leave a link up for those of you who may not have had the chance to read it. Everyone knows someone who is struggling with infertility and the essay that I wrote and have posted gives an insiders view. If you are interested in reading it, click HERE: Three Minutes
